A whore, or Not a whore... that is the question.

My status: going out with Robert.
Desired status: going out with HIM.

Problems?
A) distance
B) parentals

Other problems?
boys #'s 3 & 4.
Problem w/boy 3?
Liked him before Rob and after HIM. HIM said "you will fall for him; he is a womanizer" i said "psshh nahh." and guess what? I'm pathetic. Connecting the dots? I want to try getting with him. He's really, really cute and nice. And he said he likes me.
Problem w/boy 4?
Only wants me for my body. But I had a crush on him in 8th grade, and really want to get with him. He only told me recently that he ever liked me and so now i have an intense desire to try him.

Problems with everything?
I am still RIDICULOUSLY FALLEN for HIM. But I can't HAVE HIM. Which PISSES ME OFF. I hate my STUPID LIFE. And even though I can't have him, I have Rob. But NOW the other two decide to let me know they like me--once I have a bf. And you know what, even if I DO lose Robert (which will make me sad), then I won't want to get with the other two because of how much hell I'll get from HIM. I don't want to make him sad, not in the least, he knows that full well, but I am getting more and more lonely the longer he's away from me. And I know that he has to wait too, but I've told him a million times that he is fully allowed to date other people and I won't be mad. He says he'd hate him if he did go out, even though I wouldn't hate him, because I know how I feel and I know he must feel similarly. So I understand and wouldn't be mad in the least but I know that HE will be FURIOUS, just like last time, because he so damned paranoid and I don't know what else but he has a fit at me if I think of other guys. When we've talked about it a million times that we CAN'T date from distance, and that he won't be back for a while. And I need someone to hold me. I must sound incredibly pathetic and whore-ish, but I don't care right now.

I guess it sounds like I'm 100% mad at HIM, but I'm not. I'm really mad at MYSELF. But I also just wish he'd understand like he claims he does, and listen and not get mad at me.

I feel like a bitch. I feel like I'm being a bitch to him, and I feel like a whore because I want to try so many guys. I'm only a freshman in high school-I don't want to be done playing the field! I don't want so few good memories of guys and so many bad ones. I'd like to rack up some good memories of past guys, and know that I can look forward to the one I might marry.

OK, the fact that I am considering MARRYING in my FRESHMAN year but knowing that I'm not doing that any time soon has to count for something. Most people, if they think they want to get married in high school, they think they want to do it REAL soon. Um how about NO? I'm not even freaking 15!!! I'm not getting freaking married!!!! But I am strongly considering doing it when I'm older. That shows foresight and knowledge that I am NOT ready for it, but that I do love you. If it wasn't real, or if it was a kid-love that would fade, I'd be like "OH WE SHOULD GET MARRIED NOW!!! OUR LOVE WILL GET US THROUGH THE HARD STUFF!!!" um how about BULLSHIT!? we'd fail. we're too young. but in the future, it'll be fine.

this probably is making me sound awful and not helping my case. I'm saying everything wrong. Oh well. I don't think you're understanding me right recently, anyway.

I know you're sleeping or something, so sleep good. Rest up, get your brain recharged, and try to read this so you understand, OK? Good night, love.<3