Entirely My Fault

this bad day.....is entirely my fault. and i made someone else's day awful for it, too. which kills me. i hate myself right now. i hope he knows that.

i don't know what to do. i have even less clue as to what i should, and need to, say. other than i'm sorry, i'm at a total loss for words. other than i'm SO SO SORRY and I LOVE YOU, no matter what, even when i need things, need someone to hug... i never tell people when i'm upset.

i cried the other day, walking through the halls at my school. i was so upset.... i wanted a hug so badly. i wanted a REAL hug, from someone close to me-a specific person i couldn't reach- but i NEEDED just someone, anyone. i never got one. i wasn't about to ask. i can't show weakness at school--i have a rep that i'm already failing to keep threatening. i try to be threatening. when i'm a threat, i'm left alone. i don't have to say shut up more than once if ppl r afraid of me.

but i was breaking. what'm i supposed to do when i'm falling apart? fall to pieces and hope that in four or five months, my Romeo will come along and be able to put me back together? i'm sorry for all my faults. but i can't last that long in one piece. i'm very good at jigsaw puzzles, and i was having trouble finding my own pieces, having trouble keeping myself together. how could someone else fix me when i'm so broken apart?
no offense my sweet darling, but we've both agreed-you're not that good at comforting when i can't get a hug from you.
can he understand? will he forgive me? i hope so. i hope so will all my heart, because i love him with all my heart and soul. he's a part of me, whether or not i want him to be--it's like gluing 2 pieces of paper together and trying to take them apart again, right? they both rip. i'm not trying to get out, or get taken off. i just need to have someone that can hold and comfort me, or i'll die inside, i'll fall to pieces.... can he understand? i try to understand everything he talks about. rap, his occasional dislike for his small sister, the emotions he still has for his X, everything. i don't ignore anything, and i try to remember, too, even though memory isn't my best thing. i try my best to be the best i can for him...and i don't do very well, i guess, huh? i mean.....if i can't be forgiven for needing someone to hold me... unless i fall apart... i don't know what i'll do, for one thing.


my darling Hielo.... haha. the fact i have a dolphin named after you should be enough to convince you i will never stop loving you. i will always love you as much as i did-as i do. please, please... forgive me. i won't stop what i'm doing... or i'll fall apart. i hope you can understand, i hope you can forgive and still love me.
yours FOREVER- G-baby