what do i have to do....?

the nicer she is to me, the more i'm crying. i love you, hannah carol-alyssa stevens<33>
why cry in the first place...?

i hate my parents right now.
i hate myself.
that sums it up.

i don't know how to go about saying this.
ok, so here it is- im just going to go on...

i constantly like way too many guys at a time. i developed a stronger sex drive than someone my age should have when i was in 6th grade. i'm retarted for that. i did that by disobeying my mother. guess i'm payin' for it now, huh, mama? whatever. so even when i have the GREATEST guy in the fricking WORLD, i still look at other guys b/c hes not with me. and even when i have a really great guy to date that IS right next to me, i'm still dumb. i still have a thing for looking at other guys. i liked the other guy before i got asked out tho, so maybe i'm not so much at fault...? i'd like to think not. but that still doesn't account for everything. then there's another temptation in the form of a boy. i had a HUGE crush on him when i was in 8th grade, and now that i've got a bf and tons of other guy problems, hes decided to start talking to me and wanting to get with me. and you know what SUCKS? i still think he's the hottest guy in the school right now (NOTE: in MY school and only RIGHT NOW). so it's SO hard for me to not try and get with him or something. it's not freaking FAIR!!!! why does every guy i ever liked try to get with me once i HAVE a boyfriend!?!? do they fucking PLAN this!??!?! or is this just my freaking luck? it's my freaking luck, right? it always is my luck.

what do i have to do to get serenity and peace back into my love life? and maybe even get the love of my life back to me?

and as for my parents, well let's just go ahead and get into THAT. what can i do for them that i don't already try to do? i try to be a fucking ANGEL. kno wat i did when i came home from my swim meet today? i noticed the kitchen was a freaking nightmare of a mess, so i did the handwash dishes, put away the extra food, put all the dishes into the dishwasher, and even wiped down the freaking counter. want to know whenver i use the fireplace in the family room? i watch it- i make sure it stays alive. kno wat my siblings do? they don't watch it. they let it go out. i watch it, and when it needs wood, i go without even having to be asked. dad will come in and b like go get wood and then notice its full n b like o its already full well NO FUCKING SHIT!!!! im the fucking ANGEL, REMEMBER?!?!?!? i do my best when i'm at home. i don't complain at every little thing i'm told to do, like hunter. i do my best to work my ass off in the hardest classes offered at school so that i can be PERFECT and get the best grades i can so that mommy and daddy will fucking love me. but ykno wat? it doesnt even MATTER what the hell i do. hunter's the favorite, and ariel's lucky enough to be first-she's almost out of this freaking house. and no, it's not my home. my home is in highmeadow, in the house that didn't used to have fences in the backyard, and used to be fun. i used to play in the ditch, and try to jump over it, and constantly get my hands extremely sticky from climbing the pine trees. HIGHMEADOW is my home. THIS PLACE is just where i live.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO, HUH, DAD!?!? HOW CAN I BE FUCKING PERFECT FOR YOU!!??!?! TELL ME NOW BEFORE I KILL MYSELF OR GO CRAZY WITH TRYING!!!!!!!!

so, what's a girl to do? she hates herself, she hates her parents. she hates going to school even though she loves to learn because of all the bothersome freaks that are there. the stupid teachers that don't listen, the crappy subs that waste your time. every minute that ticks by can be a memory, or a wasted minute. every minute you can either learn something new, or waste a minute of your life. who knows how many minutes are left? live it the fuck up. who gives a crap about the people that don't give a crap about you? fuck 'em. and ykno on that note, my swim coach- fuck the fat cop. he expects everyone on swim team to listen to him n respect him, but ykno wat the prob w/tht is? he doesn't give US any respect. respect is a two-way street man, u need to figure that out. n if he dont figure it out? screw him. whatever. i don't give a crap. i can get along fine w/out his respect-he'd just better not expect it from me. he's clueless. he's obnoxious and vague when u ask him somethin', and he's a total tard.

what do i have to do to get that jerk offa my back n respect me? ha. like his respect'll happen.

i feel a little better. barely. but a little. i'm tired now. think i'm prolly ganna hit the hay pretty soon.
good night, world...please be kinder to me in the morning.