A whore, or Not a whore... that is the question.

My status: going out with Robert.
Desired status: going out with HIM.

Problems?
A) distance
B) parentals

Other problems?
boys #'s 3 & 4.
Problem w/boy 3?
Liked him before Rob and after HIM. HIM said "you will fall for him; he is a womanizer" i said "psshh nahh." and guess what? I'm pathetic. Connecting the dots? I want to try getting with him. He's really, really cute and nice. And he said he likes me.
Problem w/boy 4?
Only wants me for my body. But I had a crush on him in 8th grade, and really want to get with him. He only told me recently that he ever liked me and so now i have an intense desire to try him.

Problems with everything?
I am still RIDICULOUSLY FALLEN for HIM. But I can't HAVE HIM. Which PISSES ME OFF. I hate my STUPID LIFE. And even though I can't have him, I have Rob. But NOW the other two decide to let me know they like me--once I have a bf. And you know what, even if I DO lose Robert (which will make me sad), then I won't want to get with the other two because of how much hell I'll get from HIM. I don't want to make him sad, not in the least, he knows that full well, but I am getting more and more lonely the longer he's away from me. And I know that he has to wait too, but I've told him a million times that he is fully allowed to date other people and I won't be mad. He says he'd hate him if he did go out, even though I wouldn't hate him, because I know how I feel and I know he must feel similarly. So I understand and wouldn't be mad in the least but I know that HE will be FURIOUS, just like last time, because he so damned paranoid and I don't know what else but he has a fit at me if I think of other guys. When we've talked about it a million times that we CAN'T date from distance, and that he won't be back for a while. And I need someone to hold me. I must sound incredibly pathetic and whore-ish, but I don't care right now.

I guess it sounds like I'm 100% mad at HIM, but I'm not. I'm really mad at MYSELF. But I also just wish he'd understand like he claims he does, and listen and not get mad at me.

I feel like a bitch. I feel like I'm being a bitch to him, and I feel like a whore because I want to try so many guys. I'm only a freshman in high school-I don't want to be done playing the field! I don't want so few good memories of guys and so many bad ones. I'd like to rack up some good memories of past guys, and know that I can look forward to the one I might marry.

OK, the fact that I am considering MARRYING in my FRESHMAN year but knowing that I'm not doing that any time soon has to count for something. Most people, if they think they want to get married in high school, they think they want to do it REAL soon. Um how about NO? I'm not even freaking 15!!! I'm not getting freaking married!!!! But I am strongly considering doing it when I'm older. That shows foresight and knowledge that I am NOT ready for it, but that I do love you. If it wasn't real, or if it was a kid-love that would fade, I'd be like "OH WE SHOULD GET MARRIED NOW!!! OUR LOVE WILL GET US THROUGH THE HARD STUFF!!!" um how about BULLSHIT!? we'd fail. we're too young. but in the future, it'll be fine.

this probably is making me sound awful and not helping my case. I'm saying everything wrong. Oh well. I don't think you're understanding me right recently, anyway.

I know you're sleeping or something, so sleep good. Rest up, get your brain recharged, and try to read this so you understand, OK? Good night, love.<3

what do i have to do....?

the nicer she is to me, the more i'm crying. i love you, hannah carol-alyssa stevens<33>
why cry in the first place...?

i hate my parents right now.
i hate myself.
that sums it up.

i don't know how to go about saying this.
ok, so here it is- im just going to go on...

i constantly like way too many guys at a time. i developed a stronger sex drive than someone my age should have when i was in 6th grade. i'm retarted for that. i did that by disobeying my mother. guess i'm payin' for it now, huh, mama? whatever. so even when i have the GREATEST guy in the fricking WORLD, i still look at other guys b/c hes not with me. and even when i have a really great guy to date that IS right next to me, i'm still dumb. i still have a thing for looking at other guys. i liked the other guy before i got asked out tho, so maybe i'm not so much at fault...? i'd like to think not. but that still doesn't account for everything. then there's another temptation in the form of a boy. i had a HUGE crush on him when i was in 8th grade, and now that i've got a bf and tons of other guy problems, hes decided to start talking to me and wanting to get with me. and you know what SUCKS? i still think he's the hottest guy in the school right now (NOTE: in MY school and only RIGHT NOW). so it's SO hard for me to not try and get with him or something. it's not freaking FAIR!!!! why does every guy i ever liked try to get with me once i HAVE a boyfriend!?!? do they fucking PLAN this!??!?! or is this just my freaking luck? it's my freaking luck, right? it always is my luck.

what do i have to do to get serenity and peace back into my love life? and maybe even get the love of my life back to me?

and as for my parents, well let's just go ahead and get into THAT. what can i do for them that i don't already try to do? i try to be a fucking ANGEL. kno wat i did when i came home from my swim meet today? i noticed the kitchen was a freaking nightmare of a mess, so i did the handwash dishes, put away the extra food, put all the dishes into the dishwasher, and even wiped down the freaking counter. want to know whenver i use the fireplace in the family room? i watch it- i make sure it stays alive. kno wat my siblings do? they don't watch it. they let it go out. i watch it, and when it needs wood, i go without even having to be asked. dad will come in and b like go get wood and then notice its full n b like o its already full well NO FUCKING SHIT!!!! im the fucking ANGEL, REMEMBER?!?!?!? i do my best when i'm at home. i don't complain at every little thing i'm told to do, like hunter. i do my best to work my ass off in the hardest classes offered at school so that i can be PERFECT and get the best grades i can so that mommy and daddy will fucking love me. but ykno wat? it doesnt even MATTER what the hell i do. hunter's the favorite, and ariel's lucky enough to be first-she's almost out of this freaking house. and no, it's not my home. my home is in highmeadow, in the house that didn't used to have fences in the backyard, and used to be fun. i used to play in the ditch, and try to jump over it, and constantly get my hands extremely sticky from climbing the pine trees. HIGHMEADOW is my home. THIS PLACE is just where i live.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO, HUH, DAD!?!? HOW CAN I BE FUCKING PERFECT FOR YOU!!??!?! TELL ME NOW BEFORE I KILL MYSELF OR GO CRAZY WITH TRYING!!!!!!!!

so, what's a girl to do? she hates herself, she hates her parents. she hates going to school even though she loves to learn because of all the bothersome freaks that are there. the stupid teachers that don't listen, the crappy subs that waste your time. every minute that ticks by can be a memory, or a wasted minute. every minute you can either learn something new, or waste a minute of your life. who knows how many minutes are left? live it the fuck up. who gives a crap about the people that don't give a crap about you? fuck 'em. and ykno on that note, my swim coach- fuck the fat cop. he expects everyone on swim team to listen to him n respect him, but ykno wat the prob w/tht is? he doesn't give US any respect. respect is a two-way street man, u need to figure that out. n if he dont figure it out? screw him. whatever. i don't give a crap. i can get along fine w/out his respect-he'd just better not expect it from me. he's clueless. he's obnoxious and vague when u ask him somethin', and he's a total tard.

what do i have to do to get that jerk offa my back n respect me? ha. like his respect'll happen.

i feel a little better. barely. but a little. i'm tired now. think i'm prolly ganna hit the hay pretty soon.
good night, world...please be kinder to me in the morning.

it is so hard. to not. SCREAM.

it is also rather difficult for me to not curse. a lot. that was my new year's resolution- don't curse. i suppose that has also led me to have resolved to control my temper. it's not easy.

if he doesn't come back, i will scream.
if he doesn't come back, i will cry.
if he doesn't come back, i am going to be SO PISSED.

but really?
if he doesn't come back, i have no idea what i'm going to do.

whose parents are ignorant enough of their child's feelings that they would keep him somewhere that he isn't happy!? why not send him back to where he was perfectly fine?!
i feel like i'm going to cry. i'm not going to. i'm not going to.
screw his stupid freaking parents. they need to open their ears and close their mouths. they need to put him back here where he belongs.

if i am without the person i think i am IN LOVE with-that i might grow up to marry- if i am without him for TWO YEARS, i might just go crazy. i might hate his parents. i really dislike hating people. i detest hating people because hate is very strong and i don't like being capable of such a strong dislike. it's gross to me.

i'm freaking out inside. and almost outside. i've gotta go.

Entirely My Fault

this bad day.....is entirely my fault. and i made someone else's day awful for it, too. which kills me. i hate myself right now. i hope he knows that.

i don't know what to do. i have even less clue as to what i should, and need to, say. other than i'm sorry, i'm at a total loss for words. other than i'm SO SO SORRY and I LOVE YOU, no matter what, even when i need things, need someone to hug... i never tell people when i'm upset.

i cried the other day, walking through the halls at my school. i was so upset.... i wanted a hug so badly. i wanted a REAL hug, from someone close to me-a specific person i couldn't reach- but i NEEDED just someone, anyone. i never got one. i wasn't about to ask. i can't show weakness at school--i have a rep that i'm already failing to keep threatening. i try to be threatening. when i'm a threat, i'm left alone. i don't have to say shut up more than once if ppl r afraid of me.

but i was breaking. what'm i supposed to do when i'm falling apart? fall to pieces and hope that in four or five months, my Romeo will come along and be able to put me back together? i'm sorry for all my faults. but i can't last that long in one piece. i'm very good at jigsaw puzzles, and i was having trouble finding my own pieces, having trouble keeping myself together. how could someone else fix me when i'm so broken apart?
no offense my sweet darling, but we've both agreed-you're not that good at comforting when i can't get a hug from you.
can he understand? will he forgive me? i hope so. i hope so will all my heart, because i love him with all my heart and soul. he's a part of me, whether or not i want him to be--it's like gluing 2 pieces of paper together and trying to take them apart again, right? they both rip. i'm not trying to get out, or get taken off. i just need to have someone that can hold and comfort me, or i'll die inside, i'll fall to pieces.... can he understand? i try to understand everything he talks about. rap, his occasional dislike for his small sister, the emotions he still has for his X, everything. i don't ignore anything, and i try to remember, too, even though memory isn't my best thing. i try my best to be the best i can for him...and i don't do very well, i guess, huh? i mean.....if i can't be forgiven for needing someone to hold me... unless i fall apart... i don't know what i'll do, for one thing.


my darling Hielo.... haha. the fact i have a dolphin named after you should be enough to convince you i will never stop loving you. i will always love you as much as i did-as i do. please, please... forgive me. i won't stop what i'm doing... or i'll fall apart. i hope you can understand, i hope you can forgive and still love me.
yours FOREVER- G-baby

Strike 3

Strike 1-sending him away.
Strike 2-not visiting for Christmas.
Strike 3-maybe not coming back.

You're out.

just another bad day.

i hate my brother. my younger one, i mean. he's 12, 2 years younger than me. he has NO manners, NO respect, and DRIVES. ME. NUTS.
seriously? i'm about to smack him across his face.

he's disobedient to my parents all the time. mum just told him to write a thank you note to our grandparents cuz they gave us $ for xmas, n soon as she was outta the room, he turned around n got onto the computer. i almost flipped out on him. i was like u have GOT to be kidding me.

wanna know the way he asks for something? walks into the room looks at me (who is on the computer) and says "off. now." i nearly hit him. i couldn't believe he'd just spoken to his OLDER SISTER like that. yet, it doesn't surprise me at all. he's mannerless and brainless. but really, speaking to ANY other human like that is just disgusting! i don't see how he grew up into such a $%#& with my loving, respectful, kind mother over him. i grew up fine. my sister grew up with manners, too. so what in the HECK went wrong with that stupid whelp!?!?!

i could go on, but i'll chill. i feel sorta better now i've ranted about it with color and in paragraph form.... haha. :] i'm a very erradic person. (i think i spelled that wrong.... oh well! :D IDC!) i also like expressing myself with colors... this blogging thing is quite wonderful!

c yaaaa................

hate bad happy days.

y'know, a bad happy day? when the day starts out AMAZING and then it gets bad? they suck worse than bad days. 'cause bad days, they start bad but might get better (which actually usually happens for me) but happy days gone bad just SUCK. 'cause you were enjoyin' your life, and then it got shot. with an 8 gauge.

i seem to have a nasty habit of finding friends who i can help to cheer them up, but then when i'm upset, they can't seem to do anything but annoy the living tar outta me. or? they'll be the ones to tick me off in the first place.
but, what're friends for, anyway?

oh...the reason im using yellow for all the things that annoy me is cause i dont like yellow.... dont ask why.... i just think its an ugly, over-bright color. (no offense to yellow lovers....)

but, what're people like me for? we're for cheering up the world, whether or not we're cheerful. that's why God created us.... to help. eventually, we might find someone else for us... to keep us happy... but who knows how long that might take?
i guess i'll find out eventually.