Ever Fallen in Love

the title is a good song that sort of expresses what i want to say.

so, being straight with the world, (i mean--why not, after all?) i'm 17. i turn 18 in feb 2011. the guy i like (who i think likes me? maybe? i was more sure earlier this year, but now.... idk. =/) is 25. 26 in feb 2011. so were basically an even 8 years apart. yes, id like to date him. yes, i know its unrealistic. but i really, really like him. and everyone my age are losers. what else to do? i have no idea. but hes just started talking to someone -- and i mean talking to her a freaking LOT -- who is probably 20 based on when she graduated high school (i creeped on her facebook. a little.) and so shes older than me and cuter than me and looks smaller than me or whatever and im so jealous and annoyed. seeing her talk to him at ALL makes me go insane but she is writing all OVER his damn wall and it KILLS me inside. ahhh. ='[ i don't know what to do.

and i REALLY hate myself right now. because i should be HAPPY that he is enjoying himself talking to someone. he never seems to be too happy. but i wish it were me making him happy. ughhh. jealousy jealousy jealousy. SO not pretty.

need to go to sleep. so much. night for now

how many names can one man have?

hielo
aisu
fishman
iceman
t0ki0
mr. magenta
blaze

how many names?
how many faces?
how many personalities?
can you trust someone like that?

is it possible?
will they always be your lil hielo....... or will they desert you for another name... again?



is it worth the try........?

Songs

Songs I listen to when I'm sad... (in order of how they went today...)

Together by Avril Lavigne
Who Knew by Pink
Love Story by Taylor Swift
Because of You by Kelly Clarkson
Complicated by Avril Lavigne
You and Me by Lifehouse
It's Not Over by Daughtry
Far Away by Nickelback
Walk Away Kelly Clarkson
Goodbye To You by Michelle Branch

verryyyy shitty-ish day. what's going onnn well there's a couple things. please pray for them, btw...

1. Steph had a forreal mental breakdown last night. Considering cutting... not good.
2. Alex going to hospsital. And I can't have a sleepover with her. I feel so bad... pray for her health & sanity.
3. Girl named Sarah, I don't know her, she doesn't go to Penncrest, is being verbally and physically abused by both of her parents. Pray for their intelligence to kick in, or for someone to take her away from them soon.
4. My sanity. Grades, parents being jacks when I'm trying my hardest or haven't done anything wrong, and I'm worried about all my friends.
5. My intelligence. I really get horny way too often. It isn't even funny. And I hang with the worst people... that's been proved in past relationships. I hate some of my x's with a passion, and rightly so. Pray I make better decisions than I have in the past. I thought it was funny...today Allison told me Neil thinks she shouldn't hang with half the people she does. I agreed when she said he said not to hang with Mike Baker.
6. Mom. Always worried, always freaking out, always ragging on me.
7. Hunter. Might be sick. On and off fever since Monday. Pray it isn't the damn swine flu.
8. World's health. Pray swine flu declines, less people die, less damage to the world.
9. Anyone and everyone that needs it.

Dear God, please take care of everyone aforementioned and anyone I've forgotten or do not want to list. Please keep everyone in the world safe, please get rid of terrorists or bring peace and love to their hearts to stop them from being idiots. Please help me. Please help my friends--all of them. Please help those I hate to be intelligent, mature, and caring people as they go on in life.
Amen.

I have to go to my next class now. See ya, online world...

Heartbreaker...

The heartbreaker could be cruel
The heartbreaker could be nice
The heart can be broken gently
Or it can be torn in two
If you hurt them on accident
What is there to do?
You don't mean it
You didn't want to
What can be done?
You did what's good for you

Maybe things will be better
Listening to you talk makes me think so
But how are you so sure?
What makes you know
It'll be all right?
Will it be better
On that day, when you come back?
How do you know?
You aren't even sure
You'll stay...

Everything is so uncertain
I'm so confused, so flustered
I'm sorry to be hurting you
I care about you
Truly, I do

In my tale
The one of Fujiko
Crying on Miranda's shoulder
Didn't you read the pain?
Or were you only thinking of your own?
Don't you know
I'm hurting too?
I don't think you know
As much as you say you do

But as always
I'm the heartbreaker
As always
I'm the one
Hurting the other
It hurts me more
Than if my own heart were torn
I never wanted to hurt you
I only wanted to love you
But how can i hold my love
When i can't hold my LOVE--you?

Maybe things will be better
When you're back in the state
Maybe things will be perfect again
When you aren't so easy to break
You're so fragile, like china tea cups
I always feel awkward handling those things;
I think my hard grip will break them
I worry about these things
I worry about everything
But you know that
Don't you?

But again
How can you be so sure?
That you won't be taken away again
You said she never decides and keeps it straight
How do you know
My heart won't be torn in two
Again
By how far away my lover is
And how he can't hold me
When I'm breaking down
How he can't wipe away my tears
When my friend is admitted to the hospital
With anorexia, bulimia and depression
What will you do then?
What CAN you do?
I want to love you

But what will the toll be
For me?

Sweet Are the Uses of Adversity...

Fujiko silently wept on her best friend Miranda’s shoulder. Miranda gently pet Fujiko’s hair, whispering, over and over,
“It’s OK, Fujiko. It’ll be OK… It’ll be OK…” Fujiko nestled closer to her friend.
“Why does it always happen like this?” she sobbed silently. They were on the bus for the choir trip; at last they were headed home. She tried to stay quiet so no one would know what was wrong.
“You did what was good for you, baby. Don’t worry… it’ll be OK…”
“I don’t like hurting the guys I date. And I really thought I loved him… but I can’t take him being so far away for so long all the time anymore. I couldn’t take how different we were… he needs to learn things that are common sense for me. I can’t help him… I’ve tried, I really have. I did love him, Miranda, but now…” Fujiko burst into tears again. “I feel so awful!” she said into Miranda’s shoulder as she continued to weep.
“Shhh…” Miranda hushed her. “Don’t worry about him. You cheer up, hear me? It’ll be OK…” Fujiko sighed and simply let herself relax in her friend’s embrace; she didn’t know what she would do without her. She wondered to herself if Miranda knew that—probably not. No one realizes it when they’re an absolutely amazing friend and a beautiful person.
“As Shakespeare would say, “Sweet are the uses of adversity,” right?” Miranda told me quietly. “You’ll both grow from this. He’ll learn to be a stronger person by himself. You’ll learn to do what’s best for you and not regret it; cheer up.” Fujiko thought about this.
“Yeah… I guess so.” She sat up and wiped her eyes. Miranda smiled at her—Fujiko worked up a smile to give back to her.
“Feel better?”
“Yes. Thanks.” They embraced like the loving friends they were; Fujiko pulled away again and looked out the window. The dark nighttime scenery flashed by; she saw the skyscrapers and bridges, the water sparkling with reflected light. Miranda’s right. She thought. “Sweet are the uses of adversity”… It’s true. He’ll live; I will, too. We’ll both be better off for the experiences we’ve had with each other, good and bad. We’ll learn from everything that’s happened and live our lives. Fujiko smiled as she thought of another good quote: “Destructiveness is the outcome of unlived lives.” That’s true, too. He needs to live his life; that will be better for him.
“Hey Fujiko, look at that cloud!!!” Miranda excitedly jumped up and down, pointing to a cloud that was barely visible in the dark sky. Fujiko squinted past her finger, just above it to the cloud that looked like a heart growing up from a rose’s stem.
“Isn’t that the coolest thing you’ve ever seen?” Miranda’s jubilant smile intoxicated Fujiko into a broad smile.
“Yeah,” she answered, relaxing into her seat. “It’s awesome.” And I’m going to take it as a good omen, too. Fujiko thought with a smile. She rested her head on Miranda’s shoulder and peacefully fell asleep.

The Story......

ok. so this is how the mother hating my boyfriend story goes...

girl meets cool boy. starts talking cool boy. unfortunate thing: boy is dating girl's good friend. boy ignores this... sort of. girl gives in. all they do is kiss. but they want to date. what can they do? girl hates being the "other woman"... but what can she do? she thinks she loves him...
days go on.
talks on the phone, late at night... not always very appropriate.
where am i going with this, though?
mother having a habit of eavesdropping.

no real clue as to why i'm putting this on blogspot xD oh well.

so, anyway...
eventually, boy breaks up with his gf--it just isn't working out. they might as well just be really good friends. girl wants to date him now, but now her mother sees him as a cheater, a liar, and a pervert.
life sucks, doesn't it?

and that's how the story goes.

Gossip

know something i REALLY hate?? gossips. i have to admit, lately ive been majorly sucked into it b/c no one stops complaining about each other behind the others backs. but i rele hate gossiping, and gossipers, and ESPECIALLY when i am talked ABOUT. and even MORE so when it is lies. and when that person obviously has NO idea what they are talking about.
so ive had sex with several boys before, huh?
i would simply love to know who said this so i can set them straight. i'm extremely pissed off. ridiculously. i'm not even mad at whoever is saying this, unless they were doing it intentionally and maliciously. then i would be mad at her (whoever HER is).
but y'know, i'm also... ugh. i don't know. the person who told me this was being honest of his opinion of me and told me that i was a bit too forward, this that & the 3rd and i tried to not get pissed. but... ugh. and you know, i'm sort of just as much pissed at myself. because of my behavior. its my own fault that he thinks of me like he does. but i was at a party, sugar high and not acting like i normally do. and i always talk like i do; i suppose i cant blame him at all. so i'm really just pissed at myself.
S:DLFJ:LSDFJ:WDFJ FUCKSFLSDFJKDFUSDFHELLSHITDAMNFUCKS FDLKSFJD :LKJSLFKJWLEROWIEURPOWEICXVL:WEFJWPIO
GAH.
FUCK.
ugh. i'm really fucking tired now. it's 2 minutes to 10, and i'm exhausted, and i have a HUGE exam tomorrow in science that might decide my grade for the third marking period. i'm screwed. i'm going to bed. good night, world.